New Year, Self Doubt

My friends and I have often discussed cases of people getting "cold feet" when it comes to their dreams. They start on it, they push it beyond where they thought they ever could, and then something just stops them. It is usually fear, exhaustion, or a combination of both.

Well, it's 2010, and I am trying to fight through my first bout of cold feet.

I have been working on this series for what feels like forever, and I suddenly find myself losing steam. It's not from writer's block, because I know exactly what needs to be written and re-written. In fact, I'm excited as all heck about the idea of writing book three. The problem is that I can't get myself back and focused on Forbidden Children.

I know how this entire series will end. I know who will make it to the last page of book three, and who won't. I know all of its major plot points. All that has to be done now is to polish FC and start hunting for a home for it.

Maybe that's the part that scares me; once the first book really is done, I will be forced to reveal it to complete strangers. I don't think that is all of it, though. I am not even afraid of failing. It would suck, but I would live.

Nope, I think I am afraid of succeeding.

So far, I have been given quite a few positive signs to push on with this. Positive feedback has come from my Reading Team, family members, and people in the industry. So why is it so difficult to complete this simple task? Fear of success is the only answer that makes sense to me.

To rectify this, I am thinking of breaking the cycle I have kept for the last two years. My excitement right now lies in Book Three, so I am thinking of moving on to that one. This means I will have to pick a brand new story idea for Nanowrimo 2010, but I'll live. It'll make November very interesting.

I want some opinions on this. Should I proceed with Book Three or try to focus on FC?

My Goals and a Facebook Joke

A friend of mine did an in depth analysis of her past, present, and future goals, including percentages and such. Anyone who knows me knows that me and numbers do not get along that well. So, I will simply do a one shot of each in reference to writing.

The Past: 2008 kicked the whole dream off with Nanowrimo. I actually won it (it was my first time participating) and decided right then and there to continue with this loooong standing dream of getting published. I then spent the rest of 2008 worrying and reading.

The Present: 2009 was a huge step forward, writing wise. I got to the point where I was willing to share the novel with my first Reading Team. I went to my first writer's conference (in Hawaii) and got amazing feedback from people in the publishing industry. I also finished my second Nanowrimo novel. Unlike 2008, after Nanowrimo, I went straight back to editing both books.

The Future: 2010 is going to be the do-or-die year for me. I spent the last two years working on these two books, my babies, and now it is time to look for a foster home for them (an agent and a publishing house). I'm not going to say that my goal is to get an agent or to get a book deal, because those are honestly out of my control. My goal is to get query letters out; that is all my control. I will start with just one in January and increase as I go. Baby steps are best for me right now.

This will be my last entry until 2010, so I wish all of my readers and safe and happy New Year's! I'll see you guys in the next decade :)

Oh, and here's the Facebook joke...If my characters had Facebook:

WilliamLutin is wishing everyone a wonderful holiday and Happy New Year!

ThomasTheMaceLutin wants to wish everyone the same and plans to give William a lump of coal for messing up my wrist.

WilliamLutin smacks Thomas.

GeorgTheWolf wonders how the hell he is going to get through the holidays having to babysit the twins.

WilliamLutin Hey, we are not THAT bad!

TheOnlyGustav Yes, yes you are.

ThomasTheMaceLutin hits Gustav in the head.

ElderVladimir is rubbing his temples and sighing.

Back To The Editing Board

I finally wrapped up my first draft of Tainted Blood today, which means it is officially time to let it cool for awhile and set my sights back on the prequel, Forbidden Children. I think I am on draft four or five with FC now. I am still seeing improvement between each draft, though, which means it is not finished yet. Once the drafts start looking identical, I'll know my editing has tapped out and another set of (professional) eyes will need to take a look at it.

Another observation that gives me hope: Tainted Blood, even in its rough first draft, appears to be a better story than Forbidden Children. It is more complete, more solid, and more gripping than the first one was at this point. I take this to mean that I am actually learning as I go; at least, I hope I am. This also tells me that I can make FC even better, and that the final book will have a lot to live up to. I'll cross that bridge in November 2010, though.

I think I am actually going to enjoy going over FC a fifth time.

The Ever Expanding Immortal World

I've been missing in action the past few weeks mostly because Nanowrimo left me with about half of my brain. However, there was also a LOT of brainstorming going on. It wasn't dealing with my main characters, William and Thomas. Quite frankly, I love them to death, but I needed a break from them after seeing them nonstop for nearly 30 days. In the meanwhile, some extra threads were woven into the main story line, and these extra threads yielded interesting results.

They gave me new characters.

Like most of my characters, they usually spring from a situation in a story, are given a face and personality by way of people I see or meet in real life, and flesh out the story itself by their very creation. Every now and then, the characters begin to raise questions in me about their own origins, and I start to explore them.

This does not mean that I am going to jet away from my main story; on the contrary, I am excited because I now see that this series, and this world I have created, has more stories in it than I first thought. These newly discovered stories will take me, and the readers, to the four corners of the globe, far beyond the Euro-centered realm of Forbidden Children and its two follow ups. I was nervous about this world suddenly ending once I was done telling the twins' story, but instead I have several more stories to tell. Of course, this means a lot more research for me (happy sigh).

I will give a hint to the nature of two of the possible main characters. These are their current names: HalfHeart and Kwan.

Things I've Learned So Far in NaNoWriMo 09

After completing my biggest daily word count yet for Nanowrimo, I took a moment to think about the first 15 days. Here are the lessons those days taught me:

- An outline can be your best friend. It not only keeps you focused, but it gives you idea after idea.

- I am now comfortable enough with my word count (I have a word cushion, I'll say that much) to focus on quality a little more.

-I am organizing my time better. I have a set window of time that I use for writing, and I have found time to put a few more things in. So yes, Nanowrimo has given me more time.

- I was secretly caught up for a second in competing with others and their word counts. I've let that go; competing with myself is torture enough!

- Even on the bad days, it feels good to get something down. If you get a lot down, well, you just turned the bad day into a good one.

- My characters have matured in this story from the first one. I am very happy to see that transformation from self-preservation to willingness to sacrifice.

- I honestly didn't think you could cheat at Nanowrimo, until I discovered that some appear to have started writing their stories early, or were using two different stories to up their word count. Come on, people, really? You're only cheating yourself.

- My characters also learn in Tainted Blood that so-called allies can turn on you, but friends never will.

- Nanowrimo is, in Beyonce's words, either a "sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare." Or maybe it is both. In any case, I have every intention of seeing it through. As I did the first 15 days, I will sit back and let William and Thomas guide me to the next phase of their amazing adventure.

Halfway Point Reflections

I actually had a moment to pause the mad writing frenzy that is Nanowrimo and post a very brief blog. I am now at the halfway point of my word count (over 27,000 words), and I am starting to see how Tainted Blood and Forbidden Children intertwine with each other. Working on the sequel before the first novel is complete is giving me a lot of insight and ideas as to how to proceed with editing Forbidden Children.

I am also amazed at how much my characters are growing. It makes me excited for book three (whatever that will be named), which is nothing more than a glorified single plot bunny right now. But the first two books are shaping up to be my bundles of joy. There was a point over the weekend when I nearly cried while writing a poignant scene involving the twins. I am that emotionally invested in this story and the characters.

And I love it.

To my fellow Nanowrimo writers: We're almost at the halfway point! Keep writing!

Last Look

The next two days are for my last look at Forbidden Children before Nanowrimo starts and this blog basically goes on a small hiatus. The nerves are acting up a little, but I have the previously mentioned road map. That being said, I'm sure some crap will be written during the month of November.

So, at this final look, I have noticed the following stats in Forbidden Children:

Minor Character Death Count (characters in more than one chapter): 2

Major Character Death Count (pivotal characters who hold influence): 1

Human Death Count (not including those above or those outside the plot): 6

Total Noticeable Deaths: 9 (I think)

Children born (Immortal or not): about 4

Sex Scenes: either 2 or none at all, I haven't decided yet

Pets: 2

Number of best friends the twins have at the novel's end: 3 (not including each other)

Acts of Betrayal: 1

Historic Wars mentioned in the novel: right now, 5 (Crusades, 30 Years War, WWI, WWII, Vietnam)

Countries visited: technically 4 (Germany, England, Ireland, United States)

Wars the twins are involved in: World War II

Combined age of the four major characters by the novel's end: 2,072 (wow...and yet they still have stupid moments)

The twins' favorite word: "Agreed."

On that note, I say "peace" until next time. If I somehow find a moment to post another entry, I definitely will. Anyone who has done Nanowrimo (or knows someone who has) won't be expecting much from me for the next 30 days, lol.

Good luck to all my fellow Nanowrimos!

P.S. Oh, I'm going to go out on a limb and give a big clue as to what real life people inspired the four main characters of this series: They are quite the humanoids.

You've got 30 days to figure that one out ;)